hello again

I don't want to know how much money I don't have. I have a pretty good idea and it looms over me like an iron fist. The weight of it pushing down on me with every idea that comes into my head.
The burden of debt. How do people do it. So many things to do and see, adventures to go on races to run and it all costs money or its to cold and wet outside to embark on them from here for free.
My husband is packing up our house. Things are disappearing more and more everyday. Shelves that were full of memories and books are empty only the odd nik nak remains on the shelves. I raid the recycling box for books and magazines he has decided I don't need anymore. I rescue them to pass them on to others who might enjoy them. Our old house is falling apart and need  repair endlessly. Moving to a more modern home would be in our best intrests. This idea I am all for. Space and no neighbours would be the biggest bouns.  I dream of a new yard where the dogs could roam and the gardens I could grow. This idea of moving is exciting and bleak all in the same thought. Packing away my things and cleaning all my clutter and hord is unnerving for me for these are the things I take comfort in that surround  me and make me feel rich. perging and sorting and hiding away this things is unfermilliar to me and am afraid to take this step. I will do it I hate procrastinating. I try to take optimistic approach, I do not know what lies ahead of  me on this adventure of moving. but I think it will be that an adventure and I look forward to the excitement (so I tell myself)
well off the library  in serch  of a new book to excape into.

When she said it, it struck me strangely. "You are self centred" I was a bit shocked at the phrase.  I was expressing how I don't really like to burden people with my personal problems. She explained to me that it sometimes makes some people feel better to listen to your problems. I still don't understand. but during the two hour group theropy session I met a very wide range of woman. All the same but  very different. I don't know their exact reason for being there. And by the end of the two hours I wasn't sure I knew the exact reason I was there either. I left the group mentally from time to time and inside my head I was thinking. How we walk around and function everyday in society. Meeting people working with people passing them on the street But never really knowing what is going on inside their heads. The sadness the anger the withdrawn the feelings of hopelessness and even being on the verge of killing themselves.

And That Is On My List

. And That Is On My List.

 I Assured her in a serious calm but accretive voice that she has plenty of time to get to school and I don't need to drive her. She flips her hair at me and busts out the door commenting to the air "If you had waken me up earlier"  I wanted to scream after her the fact that her father had woke her at 7 before he left for work and told her she should get up. I didn't though, I just watched her march down the street with her little brother silently lagging behind her. I closed the door and watched from the window for a minute hoping maybe I would get a look back and a wave. I didn't, just her marching and my son slowly walking with his head down a good 6 feet behind her. I left the window, picked up my coffee and turned on the computer.

In front of me I have a list of household chores, a note book full of exciting crafting ideas and a half finished Resume. Today is Monday. As of Saturday I have been on Stress leave from my full time job. I have allot of things I have to accomplish in the next three months. I have a lot of people expecting a lot from me and I have these awful feelings of guilt built up inside of me. I have anger and regret, but mostly sadness that I have let myself become this way. Yes I need therapy and that is on my list.

 

I'm always stuck with these emotions

Crash band boom I'm going to kill you I can't stand you.
according to you i'm stupid I'm usless I can't do anything right according to your i'm difficult i'm hard to please. according to you I'm boaring i'm moody I suck at everything......
I'm a girl with the worst attention span and your the boy that puts up with that...

I Beg you to stay, when you've told me your leaving
You tell me you hate me and look at me that way
Today just isn't the day
I give you my tears I beg you to stay
I wake up beside you
Today just isn't the day
How long can we go on this way
 we never talk about it the tears just get in the way.
I know its the future i know its not far away
today just isn't the day
the tears will fade the anger will subside long after the day, The day i finally let you leave me the day at last you are fee to walk away.
 To many years to many tears am i killing you. I am your poison and you are my drug we are killing each other.  Each night in the same bed we lay int e dark the tears fall and i just tell myself
Today just isn't the day
together we are Toxic apart is so unknown Its the unknown that keeps us together
 No loner friends no longer alike no longer my husband I am no longer a wife. you want to leave and I   beg you to stay,
Today just isn't the day
But i know one day I will wake up and we will go our separate ways
And that will be the day

thought

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."

My Day off

oh my god I jsut ate a huge steak and two mojitos...I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack..
It warm outside but its calling for rain. It is my day off...and it is very quite and uneventfull. to much red meat....oh my goodness my heart is racing..
To much time alone.This is not a good thing for me. Need to be needed. I just want to close my eyes and wake up another time and place..I cry becaues i am alone. i feel nothing but sadness. My life is so full that when I am alone I feel crazy.

He wonders if it runs in my family.

 Insanity.
 Ever wonder how close we are to it.
Insanity,
 craziness
or madness is a spectrum of behaviors characterized by certain abnormal mental or behavioral patterns.
 Insanity may manifest as violations of societal norms, including becoming a danger to themselves and others, though not all such acts are considered insanity. In modern usage insanity is most commonly encountered as an informal unscientific term denoting mental instability, or in the narrow legal context of the insanity defense."Wikipedia"

Do I know I am insane?
Do I run around pretending not to be?
And then why dose it hurt some much when someone brings it to my attention.
I love Life and all the sweet smelling yummy things that go with it. and live an the fly...last min. better under reassure. But is that right Is that good.
I refuse to say normal I know there is no normal.
And If I am to change. How do I do I do it and be happy?
(Be Happy..a moment in time.)

screwed over again.

I got screwed over for a promotion at work.
How do i feel about that. Well I've been looking throught the help wanted adds all moring.
I have a great job. Hard work. Better then min. wage. but very hard physical work. very emotional. without much gratitude. Yes I work in the health care field.
Why am I so bitter? Becaues it is the second time.
Why don't I file a Grivince. Becaues the girl that got it over me is very nice and everyone likes her. Iguess I will wait.
  I would love to be a personal assistent. Or a pro. Photographer. 
I can't wait to find something else and Quit this place.

When i don't know what to say

Did you forget about me again today. When no words pass between us when time together dosn't exist.Day in and day out we come and we go. A house hold runs night and day with one of us always on our way in or out. when night comes and we lay side by side and nothing between us but silence. I hurt so much I cry is there something I have done is it something I havent said. Where did our love go did you forget about me again today.

The Sun is shinning in the sky

Optimism is hard to sustain when you are surrounded
                            skepticism.
I love who I am when I am feeling my best. 
                     I Love to be Loved.

Saturday night

Ok bring on the spring..this freaking cold is killing me i want to be out side but I hate the cold
-16 in March is really not bringing on the happy times

I want it but do I need it

I want it but do I need it.
 My last $50.00 Lays on the table. A short grochrie list hangs on the the fridge. The emply Rum bottle awaits its return. Essentially I could have pretty much anything I want. If I want debt.
Credit is and evil temptress.